Secret Affairs: Sex After Infidelity

Posted: 05/10/2008 |Comments: 0 | Views: 24,329 |

Secret affairs can ruin a marriage, but more often than not, they are not a relationship killer. In fact, 82% of marriages affected by an affair actually have happier couples after the affair. The reason is that the affair reveals that something is wrong in the relationship, and most couples want to correct the problems.

While recovering from a secret affair isn't easy, you can live a happy life with your spouse after the trauma. Among the many things that people need to work on after finding out about a secret affair is how to have sex after infidelity.

This question comes up often from a lot of people. They are trying to work things out, but they just don't feel right having sex after infidelity. There is a lot of work that needs to go into solving this huge problem, but with the right tools, you can have sex after revealing an affair.

Not being able to resolve this issue can be a relationship killer. Both spouses have to understand the severity and sensitivity of the issue, and know that it may be a long time before you are able to be intimate with your partner again.

Often times the victim in the affair feels as though the reason for the affair is that their spouse was no longer sexually attractive to them any longer. This isn't always the case. In fact, M. Gary Neuman's study shows that most men who cheat, in fact cheat with someone they believe to be less attractive than their wife.

Another reason that make this difficult is when the victimized spouse feels that it is lack of performance that caused the affair. It is rare when an affair is caused by lack of performance, but in certain circumstnaces it can be the case.
In the quest for sexual excitement, many people turn to sex books for help. While some books can be good and truly add some excitement, they all focus on the wrong thing. They tell you to change the way you have sex. The true pleasure of sex comes when we are in love with a person, and they are in love with us. With that, you will find total sexual satisfaction. You allow your emotions to take over, and you don't focus on the physical aspects of sex.

If you have a spouse who loves you, and you combine that love with sex, you will enjoy what many believe to be the ultimate intimate experience; sexual love. This can only be experienced in relationships where the lovers are good friends, know each other's thoughts, and want to be around each other. Work on being good friends, building trust, and constantly falling in love with your partner and you will experience sexual joy like no other.

One of the hardest things about having sex after an affair is that the victimized spouse is constantly thinking about the cheating spouse and the paramour (illicit lover). They want to know that your attention is on them, not the paramour. You have to be able to communicate to your partner the way you feel, and be able to accept those feelings. There is going to be a strong presence, that while not there in a physical nature, does exist and carries over to the both of you. That presence is the paramour.

An affair will bring about many insecurities, one of them being sexual insecurity. When one or both spouses are sexually insecure, it removes spontaneity from the act, and thus becomes a planned and monotonous, and will lead to boredom and lack of production. When you are finally able to establish intimacy with your partner, there is immense pressure to make up for those insecurities. That is when sex becomes what it never should be, a performance.

When these problems occur, you have to let your partner know that you are constantly comparing yourself to the paramour, and that it is getting in the way of the openness and trust between the two of you. By keeping this communication open, you are able to replace negative feelings with positive one's, making for a more enjoyable, trusting, and love-able sexual relationship.

It's also critical not to impose sexual expectations on your partner. It is important to communicate, but to "expect" an orgasm, for instance, is unfair. Dr. Ronnie Edell calls an orgasm "the equivalent of an applause". It makes the experience feel like a performance, and is sure to lessen sexual pleasure.

An orgasm should never be about, "How did I do?", or "Now I'm satisfied". Sex should never be about the orgasm. The orgasm is simply a byproduct of sex. The essence of sex is 'mutual pleasure'. That is the goal you should be trying to achieve, and focusing on an orgasm, or anything else for that matter, will deprive both of you of the mutual pleasure you should be experiencing.

The essence of sex after infidelity is to re-create the trust you once had, and learn to be more open about your feelings. It is wrong to impose sexual expectations on yourself or your partner. Focus on sex being a free, trusting, emotional experience and you will be having passionate sex with your partner again.

Rate this Article
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • 3 vote(s)
    Feedback
    Print
    Re-Publish
    Article Source: http://www.absexuality.com/marriage-articles/secret-affairs-sex-after-infidelity-590134.html

    Discuss this Article

    How honest can we be in relationships? This is a common concern among couples striving for intimate relationships. Couples often discuss the importance of being honest and truthful within their relationships. A common question I’m asked is: “Should I tell my partner about a sexual affair”. While dealing with the issue of affairs is a common theme in couple counselling, I would not advise a client to tell their partner about an affair, even if I believed that to be the best course of action.

    By: Aphys Fadel Sexualityl 23/02/2010 lViews: 34
    Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.

    Secrets block intimacy and are destructive to your relationship. It's important to understand the reasons behind the need to keep secrets from your partner (or vice versa) in order to overcome this destructive tendency.

    By: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.l Sexualityl 28/03/2008 lViews: 13,218

    Masturbation is the act of exciting the sexual organs by rubbing, stroking, or fondling until orgasm is achieved. Once orgasm is achieved, the person feels relaxed as if he/she had normal sexual intercourse. This is followed by a strong sense of GUILT and a RESOLUTION to STOP indulging in the habit; but like all habits, those who indulge in it do it again and again. This article focuses on the Causes, Effects of Masturbation and Solutions on how to STOP the Habit.

    By: Victor Izuogul Sexualityl 28/08/2007 lViews: 18,801 lComments: 5
    Calle Zorro

    The result of most women’s conditioning is that they have an “I’m not supposed to like sex” mindset and even after they’re married, they continue to live in that mentality – and therefore that’s their reality – and the man’s that she’s married to.

    By: Calle Zorrol Sexualityl 15/07/2008 lViews: 210
    Calle Zorro

    Men, your wife is getting her sexual needs met. It may be that she hasn’t involved you. Here’s what you need to know…

    By: Calle Zorrol Sexualityl 28/07/2008 lViews: 9,839
    John Dugan

    A penile injury is a scary experience, but knowing what to do ahead of time can help smooth the recovery process. Some first aid tips for the penis are offered here.

    By: John Duganl Sexualityl 08/07/2014 lViews: 46
    John Dugan

    These weird penis rash causes can send men running for the doctor's exam room; fortunately, most of them are treatable if men follow the doctor's orders.

    By: John Duganl Sexualityl 07/07/2014 lViews: 25
    John Dugan

    Men who experience chronic problems with dry, itchy penile skin after sex often feel frustrated that they are unable to identify the problem and unable to enjoy sex. The information here may help to clear up the issue.

    By: John Duganl Sexualityl 07/07/2014 lViews: 19
    John Dugan

    It's summer, and the party is on – but binge drinking, or even having a few too many at the local bar – can have a serious effect on a man's sexual performance. Here's what guys need to know to about the proverbial brewer's droop.

    By: John Duganl Sexualityl 05/07/2014 lViews: 37
    John Dugan

    Stretch marks on the penis are common, but most men would prefer to do without them. Here's how men can prevent them from occurring or minimize their appearance.

    By: John Duganl Sexualityl 04/07/2014 lViews: 25
    John Dugan

    Find out more about what a penis vitamin crème can do with this quiz. It's hard to really understand the power that's inside each bottle of a penis health crème, but this quiz may help.

    By: John Duganl Sexualityl 04/07/2014 lViews: 57
    John Dugan

    Dry penis skin may be a symptom of eczema. Here's what men can do to soothe flaky, itchy, irritated penile tissue.

    By: John Duganl Sexualityl 03/07/2014 lViews: 13
    John Dugan

    Penis numbness can be overcome; here's how one man managed to restore penile sensation

    By: John Duganl Sexualityl 03/07/2014 lViews: 65
    Author Box
    Articles Categories
    Quantcast