My Husband Told Me He Wants A Divorce Or A Separation, But We're Still Having Sex

Posted: 13/06/2010 |Comments: 0 | Views: 1,391 |

This question is actually more common than you may think. When couples are in crises or are in talks about taking a break, splitting up, or divorcing, emotions can run high and doubt can creep in. Affection, attraction, and love can still be smoldering under the surface even if a couple is experiencing hard times. This is all understandable, but sex amongst couples who divorcing or splitting up can be very difficult and can be confusing for both parties.

In these situations, it's very common that one person (in this case the husband) wants to split up while the wife wants to save the marriage. Therefore, still being intimate with someone with one foot out the door can be heart wrenching and can send very mixed signals. On the one hand, the husband is telling the wife he wants to end the relationship. On the other, his wanting sex and intimacy is saying something else entirely – that he is attracted to and wants to be close to her. This article will discuss what to think about and do when your husband wants a divorce but is still trying or wanting to be intimate through sex or intercourse.

What To Consider Or Do When You're Divorcing And Your Husband Still Wants To Be Intimate?: First, you need to define how you are feeling about this divorce. If you deep down want to save your marriage or are still in love with your husband, it may seem that having sex with him is a way to bring him closer to you. This makes sense, certainly. Admittedly, it is a good sign that your husband is still finding you attractive and desirable. However, it's not fair to either of you for these mixed signals to take place. If he is truly going to go through with the divorce, then it's not at all fair for him to play with and take advantage of your emotions.

Ask your husband if his wanting to be intimate stems from his inability to let go or if it is possible there is still love, affection and desire that he is attempting to return. Does he think the relationship that can be saved because if he doesn't (or is not at least open to explore this), it is unacceptable to expect you to be intimate with him and then just turn and walk away – unless that is what you both want.

Sex Versus Intimacy. Letting Go Versus Trying To See If The Spark Is Still There: It can also sometimes be important to understand the context in which the request for sex took place. Sometimes, it comes under the context of "one more for old times sake," as a way to let go. Sometimes, it is an attempt to see if any spark remains. Sometimes, it is just a man's way of getting something for free.

It's important that you evaluate the situation and understand what is going on here. This will differ depending on the couple, the people, and the circumstances involved. Of course, how to move forward is always going to be your choice. But understand that in healthy relationships, intimacy should be something shared between two consenting adults with clear intentions. If you both understand what the sex means and are fine with it, then there may not be a problem as long as you are both comfortable and clear. This is rarely the case though.

More often than not, the wife feels compelled to allow the sex as a way to try to hold on to the marriage and the husband's intentions may be different. Or, the husband is not sure whether he really wants to divorce and is trying to see if the passion is still there. Speak up and ask what's really going on, especially if the sex makes you uncomfortable, unsure, or if you feel that it takes your power away. Your husband can't respect you if you don't.

Initiate an honest conversation with your husband and tell him that you still love him and want to be intimate and are happy that he still finds you attractive. However, reiterate that it's not fair to ask this of you when you are going to divorce. Ask him if the intimate feelings that are coming out mean that there is still a spark and whether he would he be willing to work on the marriage. Sometimes, his wanting to have sex can be a good sign as it shows he still has intimate feeling toward you.

However, true adult intimate give and take is not possible in this situation with a divorce hanging over your head. Rather than just giving in and giving your power away (and then feeling resentful), use this as a starting point for an open conversation about how you both feel about saving or ending your marriage.

This situation came up for me when my husband and I were divorcing. Ultimately, we reconsiled and the divorce never happened, but only after I learned how to communicate how I really felt. Over time (and taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy, but I believe it was wise to wait in my own situation. You can read my very personal story on my blog at

Rate this Article
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • 0 vote(s)
    Article Source:

    Discuss this Article

    Divorce lawyers from The American Bar Association report that a whopping 50% of the divorce cases they handle are caused, directly or indirectly, by the compulsive use of internet sex -- pornography, chat-room, web cam sex, ads for escorts and dominatrixes, etc. The partners of these men (sometimes "Cyber Widows") are confused, angry, distrusting of their spouse, neglected and sometimes abuse. This article hopes to clarify some of the issues they must face.

    By: Dorothy Hayden LCSWl Sexualityl 04/09/2010 lViews: 469

    Here in this article I have explained about two root matters.The first one is sex as always and the other one is those Narcissists.So must read to solve and throw these problems out of your life.

    By: masterdebl Sexualityl 09/11/2010 lViews: 521
    Eric Kuhl

    For some reason, many Christians believe that sex is bad. Yet, the Bible teaches just the opposite. God's intention for sex within marriage is that it should be not just good, but great, and incredibly satisfying and fulfilling for both partners. He wants us to enjoy it and enjoy each other in the process of being intimate physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Why, then is good sex or little to no sex in a Christian marriage bad?

    By: Eric Kuhll Sexualityl 10/05/2010 lViews: 198
    Max Union

    A fresh look at sex, dating, marriage. This article discusses sex before marriage and supports the concept of not saving yourself for marriage.

    By: Max Unionl Sexualityl 23/02/2011 lViews: 361
    Eric Kuhl

    Dear friends know each other almost as well as they know themselves. That should be even more true for spouses who have an intimate relationship. How well do you know your husband or wife? Is he or she your best friend or someone you just tolerate because you've got a ring that says you're together? This article will give you several things you can do to get to know your spouse as your best friend, if he or she isn't that for you already.

    By: Eric Kuhll Sexualityl 07/05/2010 lViews: 73
    Calle Zorro

    Are you in a sexless marriage if you and your partner have sex once a month? Once every two months? Twice a year? What determines if a marriage is a "sexless" marriage?

    By: Calle Zorrol Sexualityl 17/03/2011 lViews: 128

    Are you living in a sexless marriage? Completely sexless and touch less! No kiss, no hug, no holding hands! Feelings of rejection, low esteem, anger, frustration, and resentment and desperation are overwhelming! Very depressed! Want out! Thinking of extramarital sex, separation, divorce! Read this article and discover the real cause and the practical ways you can fix your sexless marriage.

    By: Manny Kl Sexualityl 14/07/2010 lViews: 656

    Women are asking uninhibitedly and boldly for what they want from their sexual partner and getting it too. Only, this new-found assertiveness is not just intimidating men, it's also making them doubt their sexual prowess and giving them anxious moments.

    By: Michael Douglasl Sexualityl 22/02/2007 lViews: 283
    John Dugan

    A red, sore, itchy penis could be a sign of balanitis. Here's what to do about this uncomfortable and embarrassing condition.

    By: John Duganl Sexualityl 24/11/2014 lViews: 26
    John Dugan

    When a man is preparing to travel, he doesn't want to bother with an itchy penis. The occasional scratch is fine, but no man wants to be constantly tugging at the groin while vacationing.

    By: John Duganl Sexualityl 24/11/2014 lViews: 13
    John Dugan

    Men with diabetes are particularly susceptible to certain penis health problems. Learn about three of them here.

    By: John Duganl Sexualityl 23/11/2014 lViews: 38
    John Dugan

    Can what's playing in the background influence whether one has better sex? Mood music can facilitate a seduction or help increase the intensity of a sexual encounter.

    By: John Duganl Sexualityl 22/11/2014 lViews: 16
    John Dugan

    Some causes of an itchy penis are contagious. This article looks at two causes of penile itch that spread easily.

    By: John Duganl Sexualityl 22/11/2014
    John Dugan

    Is a red penis cause for a man to worry? Sometimes the redness can be normal, but at other times it may require a man's care and attention.

    By: John Duganl Sexualityl 21/11/2014
    John Dugan

    A man's personal care products can negatively impact his penis health. Find out more about the common, everyday items that can cause a sore penis.

    By: John Duganl Sexualityl 21/11/2014 lViews: 13
    John Dugan

    One man shares his story of developing a red penis after getting a lap dance. What could have caused it? What did he do to fix it? Find out.

    By: John Duganl Sexualityl 20/11/2014 lViews: 18

    Some of the people who contact me about successfully handling a separation and saving their marriage don't have a lot of access to their spouse. But, others have regular and intimate access to their spouse - sometimes so much that the couple are still continuing to have sex even during the separation. Many people in this situation want to know what continuing to be physically intimate during a separation really means in terms of saving their marriage. Many ask me if this is a good sign.

    By: Leslie Canel Sexualityl 28/06/2011 lViews: 455
    Author Box
    Articles Categories