What If He Wants Sex But No Relationship?
Did you know that most men decide if a woman is "girlfriend material" within a few seconds of meeting her? And here's what is even more fascinating and strange about how men think and feel... If you don't know how to create the right first impression with a man, then you just might get thrown into the "just a friend" category before you can even talk to or connect with him.
And guess what that means? Everything that you do after a man gets that initial impression about you is run through the "she's just a friend" filter... and this can make being in the "friend zone" almost inescapable.
ESPECIALLY if you're looking to get involved with a man for MORE THAN JUST A FLING. But, there IS something you can do about this. If you want to learn the mistakes lots of women make in first and second impressions that land
them in the "friend zone"...
And what you can do instead that will make him think "GIRLFRIEND MATERIAL" from the get go, then keep reading... WHY A MAN RECOGNIZES ONE WOMAN AS "RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL" AND ANOTHER AS JUST A "FLING"
Did you know that men have several specific terms and phrases that they use with each other to think of and describe women? It's a sort of "guy code" or short-hand slang that men everywhere use with each other and their friends.
One of my favorites that I've been hearing all my life from men is the term "Cool Girl." As in when a man says, "Yeah, I met this girl the other night and she was a really "cool girl". As simple as this sounds, the meaning that men give this term is important and applies to a set of very specific qualities.
Qualities that, although never actually discussed among men, are universally understood. Quick quiz here for you:
1) You've got cool fashion sense.
2) Great taste in music.
3) You hang with the hippest friends at the best places.
4) And you're often the life of the party.
So, that makes you a "Cool Girl", right? Not necessarily. So, what in the world are men talking about? And why are they so darn fickle?
Well, for starters, MEN DON'T MAKE SENSE. The more you try and use logic and reason to figure out or understand a man's thinking and behavior, the more you're going to become frustrated and upset by them.
It may seem simple or even downright ridiculous, but men think of women as "cool girls" when they see that a woman understands something that other women can't even see going on. Men see that a cool girl "gets it" on a level that lots of other women don't.
They demonstrate to men certain social and emotional understandings and ways of behaving that resonate deeply with men, without them having to be talked about or explained. You'll hear different stats for this, but something around just 8% of communication is done through the actual spoken word.
We're talking here about that AND the other 92%, which, for most women, is saying things to a man that they don't even know they're saying. To put it another way, "cool girls" exude positive emotional energy that men can relate to.
And they're "naturally" the kind of women who every man is inexplicably drawn to, even if they doesn't look like a supermodel. Want to know her secret?
In today's email I'm going to reveal EXACTLY what makes you stand out as a "Relationship Material" (a "Cool Girl") in a guy's mind. And we'll talk about how you can harness your own power to become one. But first, let's learn what a cool girl ISN'T. Let me ask you a question: Has a man ever accused you of being too "emotional?"
How about "moody?" Or worse - maybe some guy actually called you "hysterical" or "needy"? Whatever he called you, it was the start of him closing off or getting irritated with you and things going wrong in the conversation.
What's frustrating for lots of women is that men often react this way when you simply bring up something you feel strongly about or you need to get off your chest. Sure, maybe you got a little choked up or felt intense about it, but you were just being honest with your feelings.
Well I hate to be the one to break it to you, but this isn't unusual for a man to do.
In fact, it's "standard" behavior for most men to react to a woman with withdrawal or frustration in these kinds of conversations. Is it the "right" thing for a man to do?
Obviously not. But you might be forgetting that MEN DON'T MAKE SENSE. And don't get me wrong... I'm not saying that honesty isn't important or that you're not entitled to feel how you feel.
But, in order to make a relationship work, it's CRITICAL for you to understand that men simply aren't "wired" the same way that women are when it comes to connecting on an emotional level. Men open up, connect, and become emotionally "committed" in different ways, and for different reasons than most women do.
Unfortunately, lots of women never really learn what these differences are... so they go about trying to build a connection, attraction, and create a lasting relationship with a man by doing what would work FOR THEM.
You don't have to be a genius to figure out that this approach rarely works. If you want some specific insights about what most women do when they're starting out in a relationship with a man, or when they're trying to get closer to a man that only pushes the man away...
It's time to change the ways a man often responds to you with frustration or RESISTANCE. Instead, learn what will get a man to finally and at long last listen, learn, and connect with you on a deeper emotional level.
The key is UNDERSTANDING the "buttons" that will cause most men to stop listening and WITHDRAW... and instead learn how to communicate directly and easily with the part of a man's personality and mind that's open and receptive to love, affection, and connection with a woman.
Men want love and to connect with a woman more than they like to show... And part of you instinctively knows this. If you want to learn more about how to create the kind of intense create attraction with a man that will lead to him wanting much more than just a physical connection...
And will lead you both to connect with each other on a more lasting emotional level... So, let's keep talking about some of the important differences when it comes to communicating with a man, creating ATTRACTION, and growing towards something deeper.
Remember when I mentioned the idea of the "Cool Girl" earlier? Well, "Cool Girls" understand the facts of life when it comes to how men can be different. And what's more... they make these differences work in their favor (and not against them like so many other unfortunate women).
It's as if they've learned this unspoken "guy code" that most other women don't even know is going on right in front of them.
Well, today I'm letting you in on some of these codes and guidelines... starting with a few of the big "Don'ts": "Cool Girl" DON'Ts:
- Cool Girls DON'T exaggerate about what's going on around them or what a man's doing, unless they're doing it as a joke or to make fun of a man in a playful way.
- Cool Girls DON'T say everything that they're feeling and experiencing. They think before they speak. (Listen up to this one -- it's HUGE.)
- Cool Girls DON'T mention bad situations, issues or problems from the past unless it's a total "must" or extremely important and they haven't been able to talk about it yet. They find the right time for them AND their man to talk. Otherwise, Cool Girls live in the present moment.
- Cool Girls DON'T try to FORCE a man to talk about his feelings. They know that it will only backfire and he'll think she's being needy and close off.
Now, I know what you're probably thinking: "How can they act like that? It sounds like 'Cool Girls' are totally fake or devoid of all natural emotion."
"Cool girls" still experience all of the same thoughts and feelings any normal healthy woman has... But, they've CHOSEN to adopt a different kind of behavior that will ultimately get them the response that they're looking for with the man. They acknowledge the irrational ways of men and let that help shape their actions, which results in very powerful, very positive reactions from the men in their lives.
Simply put, they've got guys eating out of their hand, even in situations where other women would have caused emotional turmoil and "drama." And, isn't that something that YOU would love to have too?
It's not manipulative or diabolical...it's just plain common sense. So, what are some of these "cool girl" behaviors and ways of non-verbally communicating? I'll get to that in just a minute...
First, let's take a look at a letter from a reader with the potential to be a "Cool Girl" ... if only she could keep her emotions from ruling her decisions:
>>>Email From A Reader:
Hi Amy, I just purchased your book and I have to say my eyes started to open in just a few pages. I KNOW I've been making the mistake of being too emotional. First of all, I should give you some background. My boyfriend is in the Air Force and he's stationed in San Antonio. I live in Los Angeles.
Being in a long distance relationship has been very hard on me. Especially since I'm not a patient person.
We run into trouble when I'm feeling sad about not seeing him and call him up expecting him to make me feel better. I'm assuming that I shouldn't lean on him emotionally since he doesn't respond when I do.
I know he's worth waiting for. I just don't want to do stupid girl things that will drive him away :) I love him completely. I want this relationship to work!!!! Please send me any advice you can give me.
Ok, repeat after me. "I'm Christine, and I'm an Emotion-a-holic." Very good… Now, say it one more time. As they say in 12-Step programs, admitting that you have a problem is the first step towards recovery.
The thing is, I'm joking around with you and calling you names around this serious situation for a specific reason...
Because you're acting like a helpless little girl so I have to make fun of you to get you to realize it. Stop it! Now, get ready for some tough love...
You're better than how you're behaving, but in a sick kind of way, it's easier for you to keep on initiating the only real problem you spelled out here in your relationship- How you make your man be the one responsible for you and your negative feelings.
A boyfriend is there for a lot of things in a relationship, but to make you feel good each time you get sad or down is NOT HIS JOB! I'll repeat that in case you didn't hear me the first time - It's NOT HIS JOB to save you from the feelings you have and make them go away.
That's called DEPENDENCY, and it leads both people to frustration and resenting each other in the long run. Translation - there's little hope for any LASTING or mutually fulfilling love in a situation that involves one person dependent on the other for approval, validation, or to experience love or joy in life.
And, in case you don't already know this, creating and fostering this kind of dependency is one of the surefire ways to kill off any ATTRACTION you might already have going in a relationship.
Have you ever been with a man and had AMAZING chemistry... but then it started to unravel and fall apart when you became afraid he wasn't "feeling it for you" anymore?
Which of course only made things worse as you acted out of fear and uncertainty about him, his feelings, and where things were headed. If you recognize this kind of situation, or any of this kind of thinking or behavior in yourself, then there is help.
A man does NOT decide that a woman is "the one" for him because she has great qualities, or because she likes to go to the same places he does, or even because she has a great body. (I know it seems like men can be shallow sometimes.)
The truth is, a man wants to be with a woman, and only her, because of the way she makes him FEEL when he's around her. In other words, how much ATTRACTION she makes him feel when he's around her.
Of course, if you don't know how to create a deep level of Physical and Emotional Attraction with a man, all the convincing, arguing, pleading, or bribing him won't make up for it. He just won't feel it.
Now, let's get back to the topic of being DEPENDENT (or "needy") when dating or in relationships...
In case you don't see it, a man helping you to feel better and satisfy your emotional needs can actually make you a WEAKER PERSON.
And not only that, it can keep you and a man and your relationship from ever being able to GROW. In fact, being emotionally dependent on another person can actually cause a good relationship to REGRESS.
Here's something you need to remember, but sometimes forget when you're inside an intense emotional situation with a man...
Relationships are supposed to be about growth, and not about becoming dependent on someone else meeting your emotional needs at any time you want it. And, part of you knows this about living a strong, "real" relationship - that it can't meet all your emotional needs.
But, part of you also wants and DEMANDS that a man acknowledge and satisfy your feelings and desires. Part of you has the habit of wanting instant emotional gratification. "Love on demand." Let me give it to you straight...
It's a man's place in a relationship to be a good partner, to care for you, to listen, to be a great lover, to connect, to be loyal, and to share. I get than men need to "show up" more often in relationships.
But... When you DEMAND that a man meet your emotional needs and "lean" on him out of your own fears, frustrations, and uncertainty... these problems are ALL YOUR OWN.
And the truth is most men will eventually become tired and fed up with a woman who is constantly DEMANDING emotional approval and understanding from him... instead of finding a way to create the experience so that both she AND he feel like they are having their needs met.
So, let's take some positive steps, because things still aren't so bad. First, for your own good, you need to figure out WHY you're "sad", as you mentioned in your email.
And I mean why you're sad personally, because I think a lot of what's happening has nothing to do with the man in your life at all. Sure he makes mistakes and doesn't "get it". But, you can get past that. You need to address the CAUSE of your feelings, and not keep trying to find "quick-fixes" for the symptoms.
Think about it, and see if there's anything else in your life and in the past that could be making you feel sad - and then take some positive steps around those. Secondly, it's time to start acting like the smart, fun, mature, healthy woman that he knows and fell in love with.
She's in there somewhere, and it's up to you to find her. Don't leave it up to him, because he might get tired of carrying the relationship's emotional tone for you. Here's a few ideas about how to do that... I want you to stop acting SO SERIOUS all the time and getting yourself EMOTIONALLY WORKED UP.
It sounds dumb, but please start smiling more. Your body has a strange and powerful ability to affect your emotions. Posture, breathing, activity and actual relaxation are other great ways to simply give yourself the gift of more positive emotions. Ok, now back to the way your brain works ...
You're escalating your own fears and frustrations and it's doing something that could turn into a real destructive force in your relationship: You're creating a negative feedback loop that just gets worse and worse as it goes. Let's spell out what your feedback loop is so you can interrupt it and get to better things... The more you feel sad, the more you give him sad and negative emotions.
And, the more negative emotions he gets from you, the less he's able to stay happy and positive himself and have the energy and desire to draw you out of your girlish sadness and dependency on him for your feelings.
Which of course, only makes you feel more sad and helpless, so you turn to him more for help and around we go again. Don't let the NEGATIVE FEARS and EMOTIONS you have RUIN THE LOVE LIFE you could have. Learning to stop negative patterns in your life and relationships is a "must-have" skill if you want to have lasting and loving relationships.
The thing is, most people know that relationships take "work." And long-distance relationships can feel like even more work and give back even less immediate "rewards."
Every phone call seems to have life-or-death importance... Every call, letter, and email is examined for subtext and clues. Every weekend visit has to be PERFECT or you start to question everything. It's only natural to feel a little more "needy" or feel like your emotions are heightened all the time. But, the trick is not to let these feelings overwhelm you.
If you do, they'll cause you to REACT negatively to normal and natural situations. When these negative reactions become common, they keep you from actually doing positive things that would make him feel MORE ATTRACTED and CONNECTED to you.
And so the negative feedback loop continues. A COMMON "EMOTIONAL CHALLENGE" IN RELATIONSHIPS
Most people don't truly think about and appreciate the emotional "challenge" that comes with committing to a mature, long-term relationship like the one you're working on... I'll bet that your relationship sometimes feels like just a lot of "work" and sadness to you.
And as much as it scares you to death, you know in the back of your mind that your man feels the same way and sees what's happening. He's not stupid.
I'll cut to the chase... NOBODY wants their life or relationship to feel like it's just a bunch of work. And, a healthy minded person will only stay around so long in a situation that just doesn't work and isn't going to change. Especially if they're trying to resolve a problem or feeling that isn't really their own.
The sad feelings that you depend on your guy to fix create this situation in the worst way. Not to mention that your sadness makes him see you as weak and much less ATTRACTIVE as a woman and partner. In fact, as much as it sucks to hear, I've got to tell you that one reason it might be getting harder for your man to "pull you out" of your sadness is that he's FEELING LESS ATTRACTED to you.
And with a man, LESS ATTRACTION leads to LESS EMOTIONAL CONNECTION and less emotional generosity. Following me here? There's something you're not doing that you're going to HAVE TO DO to stay sane and make it through this with your man... You have to make A CONSCIOUS CHOICE about your feelings and your situation.
If you don't, you'll keep missing or killing all the opportunities for CONNECTION and FUN that still need to be going on between you two. You see, the goal isn't to keep yourself from having sad or negative feelings.
That would be impossible and "inhuman." Reality just doesn't work that way, no matter how great your relationship is. Instead, the goal is to get to a place where you can begin to observe how you're feeling and then make conscious decisions using BOTH your emotions and your intellect.
When you get involved in a relationship, especially a long-term relationship, you're CHOOSING to make some very important TRADE-OFFS.
Every once in a while, you need to remind yourself of these trade-offs, as it will give you a renewed understanding of the small sacrifices you've made for the good things in your life. But, you keep going back and creating sad feelings for the situation that you chose.
Almost like these bad things just happened to you and you couldn't do anything about them. Again, stop playing the helpless woman. Of course you're going to feel sad, frustrated, and upset if you're not recognizing that YOU chose this situation as a trade-off to continue with the great guy and relationship you've got.
Realize that you choose your life when it comes to most of the situations you find yourself in. THE POWER OF CHOOSING TO CREATE ATTRACTION AND A POSITIVE CONNECTION WITH A MAN
What you've been doing in the past isn't working for you or him, (not really) and it CAN'T feel good. Do you really like the feeling you get when you dump your sad feelings on your boyfriend and he disappoints you sometimes with his response? Makes you feel kind of low, right?
You said it yourself: when you're feeling down, you call him, expecting him to make you feel better. It's not that he doesn't care... It's that they way you communicate, he doesn't RESPOND.
When men hear women getting emotional, they usually do one of two things:
1. Immediately go into "Action Mode" and try to "fix" the problem with concrete solutions (and that's not usually what women want to hear)
2. SHUT DOWN
And I think you know which one happens more often from experience, right? Well, either way, both of these responses never result in the comforting reaction that you might be looking for. Can I get a witness? So, let's go back to this idea of "cool girls."
"Cool girls" know how to communicate with a man in a way that leads a man to respond in a way that works. So, no more of that nonsense talk from your email saying, "I'm not a patient person."
You don't have to be. It just takes the emotional maturity to recognize that the trade-offs, that you yourself have already CHOSEN, are some of the challenges here.
Stop playing victim to your own choices and start finding reasons to be interesting and ATTRACTIVE to him again. Your man WILL RESPOND in kind.
"Cool girls" know this. Here's a few of the "cool girl" Do's:
- Cool girls choose not to complain or talk about things for too long that are not other people's responsibility or impossible for anyone to solve, given the current situation.
- Cool girls bring funny positive thoughts and feelings to situations to create an experience that men will want to have again and again.
- Cool girls know that they don't have to control much with the situation around them for their own comfort and to get the outcomes or responses they want. They're willing to go with the flow when it comes to social things, but make assertions when they have opinions and ideas.
- Cool girls have options and things to do that keep them satisfied so they don't feel like they're left out if they're not invited to something. (And even if the don't they certainly don't complain about it or even mention it – they FIND something to do that makes them happy.)
- Cool girls prefer that a man makes up his own mind; they don't try to make a man do something she says or she can tell he doesn't want to do.
- Cool girls DO know that the way they feel and talk about themselves is how men will feel about them. So, are YOU a "cool girl?"
Are you the kind of woman that men are "naturally" drawn to and want to be with... for more than just a fling? Do you know what the other 92% of your communication (the non-verbal communication) is saying to a man?
And do you get how to say all the right things verbally and non-verbally to let him instantly know that you're the kind of girl he'd like to connect with and fall in love with? My eBook "Attract & Keep the Right Man" teaches the most critical "real world" strategies you need to know to find and live the relationship you've always dreamed of.
It's even got lots more psychological, emotional and behavioral insights about the "cool girl" that men naturally respond to in dating and relationships.
The entire first section of my book is THE definitive guide to understanding how attraction works for men and their natural and sometimes irrational biological differences that "cool girls" get. Each page of this section is jam-packed with concepts and ideas to help you learn exactly what goes on inside a man's mind, how attraction works for him and how to turn that initial connection into a lifelong commitment.
And, if that isn't all you're after, the second section of the book is all about the "emotional world" of men and women.If you've ever wondered why a man reacted the way he did, why he withdrew, or why he responded with frustration when all you were looking for was emotional connection, then you've got to read this section, too.
Here's the thing...
Every man can end up seeing a woman as "relationship material"... but, not every woman knows how to make this happen with her. And every man can date a woman and end up in a relationship for a little while, but not every woman knows how to keep things growing through the good and the bad so that love and commitment LASTS.
Don't wait ....
Discuss this Article
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